Outsider Presidential candidate gaining in Republican polls

glurg

A political unknown from an old South African family dynasty is climbing the Republican polls as he travels the West Florida political circuit.

Affectionately known as “Glurg” by his growing army of supporters, the diminutive candidate’s real name is believed to be Homer erectus rednecus.  Facebook records show he has also gone by the alias “Escambia Man.”

Glurg is connecting with conservative voters on a visceral level seldom seen in modern, language-driven politics.

“Glurg eat book,” the newly clothed candidate told a cheering crowd at last night’s East Milton rally. He then proceeded to consume what appeared to be a hardcover biology textbook a supporter brought to fling at Liberals.

“Eat good,” he later observed, chewing on red, white and blue bunting draped around the stage.

Audience members waving flags emblazoned with the single slogan ‘Glurg!’ shouted their approval.

“He’s a voice for all us real Americans tired of socialist Liberal libraries taking up perfectly good grocery store space,” local housewife and Beanie Baby enthusiast Marcy Larkin remarked. “We’re sick of being criticized for criticizing Liberal elites with their fancy book learning and their degrees on the wall, and here’s somebody who’s not afraid to say out loud that stupid is good. He’s just like us!  Death to Social Security!”

After defecating on stage, Glurg removed what appeared to be a shiny rock from his satchel and proceeded to strike it against the side of the podium, producing sparks. “Fire,” he pointed out. “Fire, fire. Glurg fire.”

“I like his commonsense energy position,” Atticus Watson remarked. “It’s time to end EPA’s stranglehold over an individual’s right to generate his own energy in the privacy of his own front porch – or anywhere else really – without Liberal politicians interfering with job-killing regulation. Drill baby, drill!  Let’s privatize those parks and get them on the strip mine tax rolls while we’re at it!”

Glurg, whose brain is estimated to be the size of an orange, is beginning to spout some now-familiar talking points at rally stops.

“Me missing link,” he remarked to cheers and hollers at a Sunday rally in Escambia County.

“I feel so strongly he’s the link to this country’s missing morals we’ve all been waiting for,” said Mary Grace Livingston. “He seems so very sincere in his conviction that this country’s going to hell in a handbasket if we don’t take it back from the Liberal communists who want to give everybody health care including poor people who don’t deserve it.  Would Jesus just hand a poor person health care they couldn’t afford?  Of course not!  Glurg understands health care is a privilege, not a right, and he’s truly earned my vote tonight!”

The cheers from supporters seemed to please Glurg, who pulled his lips away from his teeth and jumped up and down on stage, waving his arms over his head.

“He’s plain spoken.  I appreciate that because I don’t have to think as hard about complicated issues.”  Escambia resident Cecil Kramden remarked.

“I like that he puts everything in simple to understand black and white terms I can relate to on a knee-jerk level instead of pandering to liberal words and sentences that are just designed to confuse everybody.”

Candidate Glurg’s views on Darwinism were the deciding factor for Kramden.

“Seeing him now in person, I feel like we finally have somebody on our side who won’t bow to elite special interests pushing the idea that humans came from monkeys or something,” Kramden said.  “For the first time it seems like we have a chance to get rid of the Department of Education and the teaching of demon evolution in our schools and return to basic moral instruction.”

“Glurg hungry,” the candidate observed from the podium.

“Whoooo yeah!  We’re hungry for school vouchers,” Kramden shouted.  “And a Constitutional convention!  Glurg 2016!”

Glurg noted in his final remarks that he recalls being able to see Russia from his former cave dwelling in South Africa and that he’s “really rich,” bystanders who stayed to the end recounted.

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